


The personal diary of Kim Yongseok

by shitai



Category: CROSS GENE
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Break Up, Crying, Drunk Sex, Drunkenness, Experimentation, Fluff, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Monologue, Multi, Oral Sex, Photographs, Porn with Feelings, Roleplay, Rough Sex, Semi-Public Sex, Smut, i just wrote a lot of poetic shit about sex and love, this is really really pretentious
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-16
Updated: 2017-12-16
Packaged: 2019-02-15 17:43:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,499
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13036188
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shitai/pseuds/shitai
Summary: Yongseok recounts the ever-changing relationships of Cross Gene from predebut onwards.





	The personal diary of Kim Yongseok

God, Cross Gene has been through some shit. A lot of shit, to be precise. We had a renowned reputation for being one of the gayest groups in K-Pop. And I'm not surprised in all honesty. There's some truth behind the fiction.

The first member... it was JG. We were trainees, around 15 or 16, and on our way back from dance practice he pulled me into a cleaning cupboard and shut the door behind us. It was dark, and I could barely see, but I could feel his hot breath against my ear. We were around the same height at that point, and when my eyes adjusted to the darkness, I could see that he was looking right into my eyes. We stayed like that for a few seconds, neither of us really knowing what to do until he leant forward and kissed me. I guess we must have both been going through the “experimenting” phase, because I kissed back, and pulled him closer to me. The closet was small, we were practically stood on top of each other anyway. It was just so much nicer when he leant into me and his hands were resting on my chest. He starting grinding against me, and I did the same thing back, too scared of getting caught or doing something “wrong” and being kicked out of the company for it to undress. Neither of us really knew what we were doing, but I knew at some point he began leaving hickeys on my neck, and I came first. I’d never been with a guy before- Well, anyone really- and I went so limp that I thought I’d knock JG over. But I didn’t, and I jacked him off in his sweatpants until he came as well.

We didn’t really talk on the way back to the dorms. I think we were both too ashamed of what we’d done to have any words to say. And having to walk around after having just cum in your jeans is not a pleasant experience. We made it back to the dorms in silence, and both showered, but when he came out of the shower, he let me see him naked. I showed him me as well. His body was pretty, toned from all the exercise and dance we had to do, but still had a sort of youthful softness to it. I thought he looked beautiful.

We ended up falling asleep in my bed, arms wrapped around each other as a soundless way of showing each other that we cared.

We never did anything sexual again, but JG took to sleeping in my bed with me. He got homesick terribly, and that extra warmth comforted him. I spoke Mandarin to him and even tried to learn some songs so I could sing to him in it. I never told him, but I missed home too. I missed having lazy days, and going out to see friends, and that sense of familial warmth. JG returned that normalcy to me, even if it was only a little bit.

* * *

 The second member I ever got intimate with was Takuya. It was when I turned legal, and my hyungs (Minus Shin, someone had to look after the maknae) took me out to a bar for a celebration. Takuya was always the worst at holding his alcohol, and by the end of the night, he was staggering everywhere and couldn’t focus on anything. We all begrudgingly took him back to the dorm- Well, it was mostly Sangmin supporting him as we tried to dodge his octopus-like arms. He was a very cuddly drunk, so when we got back to the dorms, I wasn’t surprised when instead of him staying in his bed, he came to join me in mine. Why he didn’t join Sangmin in his bed who would tolerate his cuddles more, I’ll never know, but one way or another, he ended up with his legs around me and his head next to mine. I don’t remember exactly what he said, but it was something along the lines of “You’re so small and cute, like, every part of you is so small.”, and I gave some smartass answer such as “there’s one part of me that’s not small.” And Takuya being the drunk idiot he was, he giggled and then his hand immediately hit me in the dick, trying to grab it. I winced, and he giggled again, before saying “Want me to kiss it better?” I looked nervously over at the other bed, but JG was already fast asleep. With the alcohol fuelling us both, Takuya ducked under the covers and pulled my pyjama shorts off, and then began (Messily, I must admit,) kissing the head of my cock. He took my moans as a sign that I wanted more; He began suckling on the head of my cock and then taking more and more of it into his mouth. I was biting down on the fleshy part of my hand to try and keep myself quiet, and my hips were already moving as if of their own accord, pushing more of my cock into Takuya’s mouth. He nearly gagged, but managed to relax his throat enough to deepthroat me.

By this point, I’d learnt what masturbation was and I was less sensitive now, so I had time to appreciate just how pretty Takuya looked with his lips around my cock. He was making the prettiest moans, and I nearly came just from that alone. It was when he started using his tongue as well that I lost it. It was messy, wet and sloppy but it still felt like heaven to me.

When I came, Takuya swallowed it all without hesitation, which nearly made my spent dick come back to life. I was about to reciprocate, but Takuya had tired himself out from excitement and was already slumped over me, starting to fall asleep. “Good night Yongseokkie. Sweet dreams.”

The next morning, JG found us both wrapped around each other and my pyjama shorts on the floor. I think he guessed what happened, but if he did, he never told anyone. I don’t think Takuya remembered either.

* * *

 A little while after that, JG left the group. I missed him horribly. Since he was in China and we were still caught up with our schedule, our text conversations were short and clipped, just wishing each other well and hoping they were ok. I had to take on the role of mischievous, jokey, prankster maknae, and it was tiring. With all our promotions in Japan, I was travelling a lot and every time we got on the plane I just got a horrid sense of dread that things would never be the same, that there would never be someone as close to me as JG was.

I was very wary of Seyoung. I felt like he’d replaced JG, and it still hurt me every time we were in the dorms and it was Seyoung in the next bed, not JG.

During our promotions in Japan, I shared hotel rooms with Sangmin. It was after a long night and a stint of concerts that I fell into his bed next to him. He made no mention of it, just placed his arms around me and let me fall asleep next to him. This happened over the course of the whole tour. When everything got too much, Sangmin was there.

He was the first member that I ever felt anything stronger than friendship for. At first, I thought it was like with JG, just feelings of strong friendship. But every night I spent with him changed that, and on the final night of our tour, I curled up next to Sangmin in bed, and kissed him.

Sangmin was very stiff at first, I don’t think he knew what was going on. But after a while, he kissed back and smiled at me. I told him how I felt about him, and he said he thought he felt the same. It was the happiest I’d felt since JG left.

Seyoung and Sangmin switched rooms so I spent my nights with Sangmin. A month or so into our relationship, whilst the other members were out, we decided that we were both ready to have sex. It was my first time, and his as well. It was slow, loving, caring, everything I’d ever imagined. As much as I love the rougher side of things, I loved this caring and so- so- close experience. It was small kisses, small movements, small noises, but there was so much more in it. I loved Sangmin, and he loved me too. It was all under-the-covers missionary, but it was never boring and I never tired of it. I didn't think I'd ever been able to get bored of anything Sangmin did. He was so bright, so warm, so comforting that I never, ever got sick of him. The Ying to my Yang, the light to my dark.

I warmed up to Seyoung more and more after our promotions in Japan. It was the night we won our rookie award that I really grew close to him though. It was the first time I really felt comfortable walking up to him and congratulating him, the first time I was happy to sit next to him and talk to him without Sangmin’s comforting hand on my back or thigh.

* * *

Sangmin and I broke up in the spring of 2014. It was a mutual agreement, that things just weren’t going to work out for us together. Our relationship was fuelled by post-concert adrenaline, and that had to run out at some point. There were no hard feelings between us, and we still stayed close friends. We just didn’t cuddle or kiss as much as we used to. I will admit, I was upset about it, but who wouldn’t be? But there was no point moping. I had the rest of the group to comfort me, and I had work to distract me.

We began filming for ZEDD shortly after the breakup. We flew out to Los Angeles, the furthest I’d ever been away from home. Needless to say, I was a little nervous. Casper was the only one who didn’t like the plane, but luckily he was sat with Seyoung and Sangmin who helped calm him down. I was sat between Takuya and Shin. Takuya was staring out of the plane window most of the time and fell asleep around an hour into the flight. I watched the sunset from the sky, and eventually tried to sleep as well. All my efforts were fruitless, and I ended up talking to Shin quietly. The armrest was up, and we were sat quite close together. I made a joke, and he began laughing, doing his best to keep quiet as many people were asleep by that point. He resorted to flailing his arms a little, and one of his hands came to rest on my thigh. I noticed, looked down, looked up at him, and then down at my thigh again. Shin noticed as well and moved his hand away.

That was the closest we’d ever been, and it was what I assumed the closest we’d ever be.

We started filming for ZEDD the day after we landed. I watched Shin perform the scenes I wasn’t in, and this new, confident, cocky persona I saw him adopt was, to put it simply, fucking hot. Shin with his newly blonde hair and outfit mussed was so attractive that I nearly died every time I watched him act. He was an amazing actor and I loved watching him act.

When we weren’t acting, we were “backstage” as such, and Shin and I talked as much as we could. Once, when we were the last ones filming, Shin and I were still in costume and about to leave, but he sat down and pulled me to sit on his lap. I assumed he just wanted to talk, but when he whispered in my ear “I’ve seen you watching me. You’re not just a fan of my acting, are you?” I nearly melted in his arms.

“What do you say that Nine and Seven find something to do whilst the others are out?”

I nodded and pulled Shin out of the backstage area and onto the set. My first time with Shin was us both in costume, in character, on set, fucking on the floor of an abandoned building. It was and still is, the weirdest way I’ve ever had sex. I even let Shin take a photo of me on his phone, half-naked and completely fucked out, with his and my cum over my chest. I don’t know if he still has it. He probably does, he still guards his phone like it’s his life.

Shin and I fucked as much as we could over the next few years, and all in increasingly kinkier ways. He would pull me into changing rooms when we were shopping, bathrooms when we were at clubs, and when we were in the dorms there was nothing off limits. We used everything we could get our hands on, any chance we could get. He once fucked me with the bedroom door wide open, with me riding him as if daring anyone to come and see what he was doing. Luckily enough, no one did, but at the time, I was sure everyone did.

My personal favourite escapade of ours was during Shin’s radio show. Whilst he was playing a song and the microphones were off, I crawled under the desk and began sucking him off. I kept it slow so that when the microphones were on again I was still sucking him off as he had to finish the show. I loved listening to him try to cover up his moans when he knew he was being broadcast to hundreds of people.

* * *

I mentioned that I thought someone heard Shin fuck me, and I was right. It was Casper. A few days later, he cornered me when I was in my room alone, and pinned me to my bed by my wrists. I jumped and tried to wriggle away, thinking it was some joke and that he was going to tickle me. But he stayed still, and one hand pressed my hips down into the mattress.

“I heard Shin fucking you last night.” He said. His voice was low in my ear, and it made me shiver just to hear it. He’d never sounded this sexual before, and I loved it so, so much.

I could only nod my head. I was incredibly embarrassed, and it didn’t help that I could feel Casper’s hard-on pressing against my ass.

“You did, didn’t you? Did you like knowing that everyone in the dorm could hear you two last night? Bet it makes you hard just thinking about it, doesn’t it?” Casper said, letting go of my hip and trailing his hand down to my cock which was, true to his word, hardening quickly. “I bet I can make you scream louder.”

And so began one of the longest nights of my life.

Casper kept me in bed for hours. The foreplay was slow and careful, but as soon as he started fucking me, it was rough, hard and ruthless. It wasn’t an equal situation like it had been with Sangmin, Casper was taking whatever he wanted and I had to give. From every position, from every angle, anything we could both think of until both of us were so thoroughly tired that we slept for the whole night and most of the day as well.

Shin didn’t take kindly to finding out that someone else was fucking me. He confronted Casper in front of me, and they began arguing over me. Eventually, they turned to me, asking me to pick between them. I couldn’t pick.

So they double-teamed me.

Shin and Casper, both angry and fucking me? Complete heaven. Shin fucking my throat, Casper fucking me, or vice versa, or both fucking me at the same time.

Needless to say, they managed to make me very sore. I don’t think I even got out of bed the next day and just got them to wait for me. I loved it though. I loved having them around me to do what I wanted and I loved whenever they both riled each other up trying to decide who fucked me best and then taking it out on me, trying to prove just how good they were.

* * *

 

When Casper left... it was very much the same as when JG left. I cared about him deeply, and I missed him so much. Unlike Takuya’s “jokes,” I didn’t just miss his cock. I missed his whole self, brain, body, cock and all. Shin was comforting, but every time we tried to fuck, it just reminded me of Casper. I’m sure that more often than not, I ended up crying halfway through and not being able to finish.

Naturally, our “fuck buddy” relationship fizzled out. Neither of us had any desire to fuck each other anymore, and when Shin started fucking Takuya, I decided not to try and force myself to suck my feelings up.

Cross Gene... Cross Gene peacefully disbanded late 2018. All the members decided that there were better things we could be doing. Shin wanted to focus on acting full-time, Takuya wanted to go back into modelling, Sangmin wanted to focus on stage shows.

And that left Seyoung and I. Neither of us really knew what we wanted to do. We were just stuck in the middle. When we sold the dorm, we decided to stay together and moved into a small apartment. Neither of us wanted to be alone, and everyone else had different plans, different ent groups, different futures.

I think fate just drew Seyoung and I together. We ended up living together in Busan, near enough to the coast that it was only a walk away. We both got different jobs, Seyoung as a radio show DJ and I was worked in the nearby bookstore. It was a pleasant, domestic life for us together. We still got stopped occasionally on the street by fans who recognised us, and they would coo over us still living together even after the disbandment, but they would go on their way after. A few years later, we could live unnoticed. After years of hectic schedules, filming, recording and publicity, it was nice to have some peace.

Seyoung and I started dating in January 2020. We’d nearly been living together for a year when he told me that he loved me. We were walking along the beach, and he blurted it out all of a sudden. It was a sweet moment, though. I loved him and he loved me. It was as simple as that. Nothing else polluting it or clouding it.

We rarely had sex. We didn’t need it. We could prove that we loved each other in so many different ways. We only really fucked when we were horny, not needing the constant passion of fucking every moment we could. Sex had been... tainted, for me anyway. It was less of a romantic thing for me. It was just something I did in a fit of passion with anyone who was willing. That wasn’t what I wanted with Seyoung. I wanted something nicer.

We married in 2022, in a small ceremony attended by only a few people. Our parents came, as did some friends. Shin and Takuya came, and so did JG. I was beyond ecstatic to see him. I’d sent out the invitation as a sort of last hope. His solo career had finally kicked off and I didn’t know if he would be too busy to attend, but he managed to push everything aside to see me. It’s still one of the nicest things anyone’s ever done for me. I hadn't seen him in person for nearly a decade. God, that makes me sound old... Needless to say, tears were shed before the ceremony even started.

I suppose that idol life just wasn’t for me. But I’ll never claim that I didn’t like it because I loved it and it’s helped me so much with everything. I met so many amazing people, and did and saw so many amazing things. I'll never regret a single moment of it. Because few things in life will ever be more precious than hearing scores of people shouting your lyrics back at you, and cheering your name when you're performing amongst the people that mean most to you.

So that’s where I’ll leave this. At the eve of my wedding anniversary. I’ll write more if I ever get the time. I keep forgetting about this thing. Maybe I'll write again, possibly not. But I have to go now, Seyoung’s just finished cooking. This is such a cliche ending but-

Write to you later!

Lee Yongseok

**Author's Note:**

> Well then.  
> I'm fully aware that this has some discrepancies with events that happened in real life and in this, but I liked the way it ran in this version to want to change it. And I know the start doesn't really match with the end, but again, I liked the way it ran, like a monologue.


End file.
